


The Conspiracy

by Flabbyknight



Series: HP Stories [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 14:24:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20893550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flabbyknight/pseuds/Flabbyknight
Summary: Harry Potter has discovered that an evil conspiracy has been controlling him his whole life and struggles to break free from Dumbles's evil grasp.





	The Conspiracy

Ron was enjoying his beef stew with gusto when a disheveled Harry burst into the great hall. Ron watched as Harry looked around with a manic fervor before his eyes landed on Ron and ran over to him. "Harry, mate where have you been? Hermione and I haven't seen you for like three days. We-" began Ron before Harry slapped the fork out of Ron's hand. Ron stared in horror as bits and pieces of his stew landed on the ground and shed a single tear. "Harry what the fu-"

"There is no time Ron! We have to go!" yelled Harry as he grabbed Ron's arm and dragged him outside of the great hall. After Harry pulled Ron down several corridors Harry yanked Ron into a broom closet. Harry quickly muttered, "Lumos. Muffiato."

"Seriously what the fuck," said Ron, his voice filled with annoyance. "Where have you been? Were you stalking Malfoy again?" Now that Ron got a closer look at Harry his skin had an unhealthy gray color to it.

"I am not stalking Malfoy! I am just observing him because I know he is up to something," protested Harry.

"Right. Harry I have seen your stalker diary. You replaced all of the O's in Draco with little hearts," said Ron dryly.

Harry glared and said, "I can't believe you looked in my surveillance journal Ron! It has confidential need to know information that you don't need to know!"

Ron sighed and looked up at the ceiling before he said, "Look I don't care if you are gay but seriously, Malfoy? You could do so much better. I bet Colin would be interested if you asked."

"Ron, I am not hiding in the closet," denied Harry. Ron raised an eyebrow and motioned at the broom closet that they were currently standing in. "Shut up. Anyway I have something important to tell you. I discovered that there is a secret conspiracy out to get me."

"I don't think I would call You-Know-Who's intention secret," said Ron dryly. "He has been out to kill you for years."

"No not him. I am talking about a conspiracy even more malicious and sinister than anything Voldemort could possibly conceive of," declared Harry.

"Okay I'll bite, what conspiracy?" asked Ron, interested.

Harry looked around furtively before he said, "There is a shadowy group that has been running wizarding society for centuries now. They know I am on to them and they will be coming for me soon."

"And these people are?" prompted Ron.

"The house elves," whispered Harry.

"Uh Harry when was the last time you got sleep?" said Ron as he gave Harry a troubled look.

"It's been five days. Why?" asked Harry. "You know what? I don't care, it isn't important. What is important is the elven conspiracy."

"Harry, the elves aren't secretly controlling the wizarding world. That is ridiculous," said Ron slowly.

"That is what they want you to think Ron! That is what they want you to think!" shouted Harry hysterically.

"Harry you need a lie down," said Ron.

"I can't! Don't you see?! They will get me if I go to sleep!" said Harry.

"Right, I am getting Madam Pomfrey," said Ron. Clearly Harry was hallucinating.

"I should have known you would have betrayed me after fourth year," muttered Harry.

Ron winced and said, "Seriously? You are bringing that up? Dick move."

"Prove me wrong then and hear me out," said Harry.

"Fine," grumbled Ron. "Shouldn't we go get Hermione so we can tell her about this elven conspiracy." Ron didn't know how he managed to say elven conspiracy without rolling his eyes but he managed it somehow.

Harry scoffed and said, "Have you forgotten spew? Hermione has already fallen under their spell and would turn against us in an instant. We may have to dispose of her at a later date."

"We are not killing Hermione," said Ron firmly. Ron considered stunning Harry but decided against it, since Harry already had his wand out. He would just have to talk Harry down from doing something crazy.

"You're just saying that because you are in love with her. If you were thinking objectively you would agree with me," argued Harry.

Ron blushed and said, "I am not in love with Hermione."

Harry snorted and said, "Yeah right."

Ron decided to be the bigger man and ignore that. He then said, "Harry if you want me to listen to you, you have to promise not to kill Hermione."

"Fine! You are so unreasonable!" said Harry.

"I'm really not," said Ron. "So are you going to tell me about your thing or what?"

"House elves are pretending to be our servants so they can secretly control us and use us as weapons against their enemies, like the goblins," said Harry. "What clued me into the conspiracy is when I realized that there was something fishy going on with the elf in second year that repeatedly maimed me."

"You mean Do-" began Ron but was cut off when Harry pressed his palm against Ron's mouth.

"Don't say his name! He will hear you and he will come!" said Harry frantically. He then whispered, "He will come."

Ron pulled Harry's hand away and said, "You have no problem saying You-Know-Who's name but you can't say an elf's name."

"That elf has come closer to killing me then Voldemort has ever managed and I am pretty sure that elf could trash Voldemort in a fight," replied Harry.

"There is no way an elf could beat You-Know-Who," argued Ron.

"That's where you're wrong! Think about it Ron, elves can teleport where we can't apparate. Then that elf was able to defeat Malfoy Sr. with a snap of his fingers. No incantation. No wand," argued Harry. "Elven magic is clearly superior to wizard magic. Anyway, where was I again? Hmmm. That's right I noticed something fishy about that elf in second year. Let me ask you a question Ron, what is stopping a wizard from sending an elven assassin after their enemies?"

Ron frowned as he considered the question before he said, "Magical protections."

"Please Ron, we have already established that elves can get anywhere they want. Keep up," snapped Harry. "No, the answer is other house elves. House elves would protect their master by intercepting and ejecting the invader. That is why anybody that matters has a house elf."

"Oi!" said Ron.

But Harry ignored him and plowed on, "So you see, in second year when that elf tried to kill me the Hogwarts elves should have stopped him."

"I thought he was trying to save you or something," said Ron.

"So he claimed," said Harry. "But either way it doesn't matter. The other elves let him sabotage Hogwarts equipment and injure a student. So that means they were in on the plot!"

"Right," said Ron as he decided not to even bother arguing over the point. "You still haven't explained how exactly they are controlling us all."

"The food," said Harry. "Think about it. Every single wizard in Britain eats at Hogwarts for seven whole years, and the elves feed the influential families as well. Both muggleborns and purebloods are caught in their net. I haven't eaten in a week so I was able to break from their spell."

Clearly Harry needed to see Madam Pomfrey if he hadn't eaten in a week, and Ron needed to get him up to her without a fight. Ron said, "If that is true-"

"It is," said Harry stubbornly.

"Then shouldn't we tell Dumbledore?" asked Ron reasonably. "If anybody could sort this out it is him."

"No! Don't you see Ron? There is no Dumbledore," declared Harry.

"You lost me mate," said Ron.

"Dumbledore is really several elves standing on each others’ shoulders while wearing a wizard robe and a fake beard. It’s why Dumbledore dresses the way he does! Elves have no sense of fashion. The head elf's real name is Dumbles!" explained Harry.

Ron stared at Harry in silence with his mouth hanging open. Harry nodded his head and said, "I know Ron, I know. I too was shocked when I came to that discovery."

Ron regained his wits and said, "Harry, I think we would have noticed a bunch of elves in a robe."

"Magically drugged food," said Harry dismissively. "When it passed out of my system I saw the truth!"

"Harry, you are hallucinating from lack of food," said Ron patiently. "You sound like a mad person with this elf stuff. I am half expecting you to say Voldemort was created by the elves next."

"That's because he was. You know what you can't spell without the word elf? Voldemort!" shouted Harry.

"Harry, I know I am not the best at spelling but I am pretty sure You-Know-Who does not have an f in it," pointed out Ron.

"Exactly Ron, and isn't that suspicious!? Where is the f!? Where is the f, Ron!?" said Harry.

"Harry that makes even less sense than the rest of the things that you have been saying," Ron said with a sigh. "You need to eat something, get some sleep, and forget all this nonsense."

Harry growled before he started to rant once more, "No! You need to listen to me! Tom Riddle found about the elves and they-"

The door of the closet banged open and revealed Dumbles the elf. Dumbles squeaked, "Seize him."

Harry reached for his wand only to find that Ron had his arm in an iron grip. "What?! Ron what are you doing?!"

Harry went to punch Ron but Ron was faster and bashed Harry over the head, stunning him. Ron then pinned Harry's arms behind him and bashed him against the wall until Harry stopped struggling. "Ow fuck! Stop bashing me against things," yelled Harry.

Ron said in a dull and flat voice, "Harry, you need to eat, sleep, and forget."

"Let go of me! No! No! No!" shouted Harry as he struggled to break free.

Ron dragged him out of the closet and Harry saw various teachers and students standing in the hallway with blank and dull eyes. Hermione stood among them with her S.P.E.W badge proudly declaring her foul allegiance, with a treacle tart in her hand. "Eat. Sleep. Forget," they all chanted as they moved towards him.

"Damn you Dumbles! Damn you to hell!" screamed Harry.

Dumbles let out a chuckle and said, "Don't worry my boy everything will be fine."

"Eat. Sleep. Forget."

Harry clenched his jaw shut but Neville grabbed it and wrenched his mouth open. "No!" yelled a hysterical Harry.

"Eat. Sleep. Forget," said Hermione as she shoved the treacle tart into his mouth. Harry tried to spit the food back out but Neville held his mouth shut. Harry slowly stopped struggling as he felt the potions in the food dull his sense. Despite himself Harry enjoyed the taste of the desert and swallowed. The last thing he heard before he drifted off was, "Eat. Sleep. Forget."

Harry jerked awake and found himself in the Gryffindor common room. He glanced down at the table in front of him and found some half finished divination homework. He must have fallen asleep in the chair while he was working on it. Harry spotted Dobby cleaning up a mess that had been left behind by some students and said, "Hey Dobby."

"Hello Harry Potter," said Dobby cheerfully. "You is having a nice dream?"

"I..." started Harry before he trailed off. "I don't remember? I think it was more a nightmare really."

Dobby gave Harry a worried look and asked, "Is the great Harry Potter feeling well?"

"I'm fine Dobby. Just a little hungry," said Harry with a tired smile.

Dobby pulled out a sandwich out of nowhere and said, "Will this help?"

"Thanks Dobby," said Harry gratefully.

As Harry took a bite of the sandwich, Dobby beamed and said, "You shoulds eat that and go back to sleep. Forget all about that nightmare."


End file.
